I've ranted about before, I revisited the world of socially-functional-people-who-date a little while back. I may not have said it explicitly, but I'm pretty sure I have implied (strongly), that I make bad decisions. This isn't even just on the dating front, or on the choice of wardrobe- because I make bad decisions all around. When you combine all of these elements, you see me living in a snowglobe of things that should just not happen. I'll lend some insight into why I am a disaster.
About a week ago, my lovely roommate invited me out to dinner with her and a friend. As we were getting dressed she mentioned that she really liked my jeans on me. When her hint apparently sailed completely unnoticed over my head, no more than briefly tripping over my oblivious "why, thank you!", she more pointedly told me that I should probably put them on because maybe, just maybe, it'd be a nice idea for me to wear womens' jeans as opposed to my usual mens' Old Navy shorts because in case it had escaped my notice, I was, in fact, not a man.
Some might argue that it is problematic when you show up to a date, and you realize that you own the same pants as the pair currently sported by the man you've just met- and you are a straight female. For a number of years, I've been informed that my habit of dress, or rather, complete lack of style and inability to adhere to social norms on an even quasi-regular basis, is strange, if not downright weird. I recently attempted, at the encouragement of my roommate and other women who know "what's up", to dress like a woman, at least for dating purposes. Because, honestly, what man wants to show up to a date to find that they're dating a slightly feminine version of himself? I'm sure you remember my discussion on hating clothes shopping? Well, men's clothing is a lot more sturdy, and if it takes longer to destroy it, it lasts in the field, then it's good enough for the office and I can delay shopping for replacements for even longer.
A few weeks ago when I went to see a man I met on a dating website. Just for the record, yes, online dating is weird, but when you live like a small rodent operating in a windowless office that is, minus the large spiders and dampness, a freaking cave, from whatever time you drag yourself out of your house in the morning until after dark at night, everyday (that's right, this includes an inability to recognize weekends or observe most holidays), how/where the hell else are you going to meet somebody? In the cave next door? Oh yeah, that's a brilliant idea just waiting to happen... But to swerve back on track, I wore a skirt. There was compromising involved. My roommate confirmed that I looked both acceptable and like myself as I combined the skirt with my usual button down field shirt. Come on, I wouldn't be me if I was dressed totally like a girl, now would I?
He was a nice guy, I hope he finds what he's looking for, which I believe is a lot- and as "not-right" a fit as we were, I think he deserves someone really wonderful. He found humor in everything, but with what I felt like was a touch of sadness. It was him in his words, but at the same time, it wasn't. I almost said as much, that I imagined he was actually a very serious person and he looked at me without surprise at my observation. "Aren't the most amused people the most serious?" He might not have realized it at the time, but the fact that I agreed with him wasn't because I was trying to be pleasant and affable, but because it resonated true. Consequently, I was being uncomfortably not-myself by attempting to dress passably as a woman for something that I never, in my right mind, would dress up for (oh wait, the norm means I wouldn't be on a date in the first place... what am I thinking?!) and feeling awkward about it. My brief experience with him indirectly set off the subject of this entry. My roommate lent her own insight into my dating situation (overall) and lucky for you and me, thought when we had him over for dinner that his style was as ridiculous as mine.
She was only here for a few months, most of which I was away for, but the only way to describe her is... she's a really unique person with a gift for making other people feel special. I miss her. Funny enough, she was not a fan of this man, and saw what I hadn't bothered to acknowledge, and believe it or not, it wasn't centered on my idiosyncratic style, but rather my inability to correct my behavioral approach to dating: he and I had nothing in common, were in two completely different walks of life, so what the hell was the problem, why was I still keeping up the charade of pleasant dating? She pointed out that yes, he was nice, but this shouldn't mean that I should keep seeing him; was I dating him because I wanted to or because it was there and convenient, was he really a good fit or did it just look good in theory, did I really want to be with somebody who was so concerned about things that were obviously the opposite of my concerns, yes it had only been a few dates but I should probably ask that question about "where's this going" now because he just said he was moving across the country and for pity's sake, couldn't I date somebody who didn't have two earrings? Her mother, who was visiting, asked quite seriously "Did they accidentally pierce the wrong ear and then go back and do the other?" I kind of appreciate a man who can pull off an earring, but I try not to admit that out loud. Anyway, she had a point, we weren't terribly intrigued by one another. I wasn't sure how to end it nicely and directly, so I did it indirectly and hilariously. Want to scare a man? Ask him to figure out how he feels about commitment early on.
Anyway, she and I had a talk about the previously mentioned man and his and my conversation plays into it a bit. I'm frequently fairly private about things, but she taught me that sometimes you have to be open. She noticed that I have a habit of letting things go, and therefore, while I'm pretty introspective, continue to make the same mistakes in relationships even though I recognize that I'm making them. I date people who are really not a fit, and I know that, and they're nice people (sometimes) but it's not going to work. I'll throw this out there as I frequently do, the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.
I have a few people to thank for their impacts on my mental processes, including that guy who I haven't spoken to and probably never will again (sorry about making that last conversation a freak show, I doubt you thought it was funny, but I sure as hell did). My roommate, of course. And somebody else who didn't seem to mind that I go everywhere in men's shorts and 3-sizes-too-big button downs. I'm undoubtedly going to stick with my current habits of dressing lackadaisically but maybe with special appearances in my womens' H&M jeans. I won't give away the ending just yet. I actually have no idea what it will be.
Aren't those the same jeans that I INSISTED you buy and forced you into the dressing room with them?
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Silly Kids!!!
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